HOW TO DEAL WITH MOM GUILT
Mom guilt is a real problem faced by many women.
It is feeling guilty for taking some me-time and choosing to spend time away from your kids. For some moms, the feeling of guilt is so intense that even going to the bathroom feels like a stressor.
I remember when I became a brand new mom with my daughter, I would put her in the bassinet and drag the bassinet into the bathroom even if she was sleeping. I did this because I felt as though I was failing as a mother if I left her alone for a moment. Can you imagine? There was so much pressure.
For many mothers, when our kids are between ages 0-5, we do not have any time for ourselves; both at night or even during the day. I’m talking about this because it impacts us tremendously. I remember when my sister just became a new mom, and I told her “I know it is going to feel difficult to do this, but my advice is to get back to you as quickly as possible. Do things that are for you and not just for your baby because your baby needs you”.
Let me say that again: Your family needs YOU! And for you to be YOU, you do need time alone, you need some solo time. So, understanding that this “solo time” is not an indulgence, but a necessity to help you be your best in all of your roles.
So, file a solo vacation under “this is needed to be my best ME; because, if I do not do this, I might be at my worst”.
Here is a practical coaching step: think of instances when you showed up at your worst.
Recently, I took a vacation and I realized that I had not taken a real break in well over a year, especially since the pandemic. You were impatient, you were annoyed, you yelled, just think about what that would look like. Now, think about the times when you showed up at your best. Now, you might be getting mom-guilt because you want to go on a staycation or because you want to spend money on a spa session but that could also have been money for extra-curricular activities for your child.
Whatever your desire is, put it down and say “this is how to become my best me, and be on the best side of things” and you could even look for data to support it. If you start to pay attention to when you show up at your worst and when you show up at your best, you will be able to see that the latter happens when you are lacking something, for instance, rest. Now pay attention to when you showed up at your best and your kids were happy and said “mom you are so amazing!”
You will see that you had all the energy to create the fabulous, magnetic, and iconic life. Basically, move these desires from being an “indulgence” and see them as a “necessity” because that is what they are.
Real talk, ten years ago when I first started the brand I was talking about radical self-care because I had been this woman who had given up herself entirely. I had totally given up on myself and I did everything for everyone else. I wish I could go back and find some of those photos because I had burned most of them, as this was the time before cell phones and we were not as digitized. But I remember looking at a photo from when my daughter was about a year and I did not recognize that woman. And it was not just that I was looking heavier, it was also the lack of that “je ne sais quoi”, that girl just did not have any of it. She was gone because I had seeded all of myself in service of what I thought a good wife and mother will be, so I gave up most of the things that I loved and because if you are lacking sweetness in your life, you will go find it elsewhere. So, for me, I turned to giant cookies every day and lifestyle things that did not just quite fit.
So, do not become that old me. I want to encourage you to release mom guilt because guilt is low energy and rises into high energy. I want you to recognize that what you are doing is in service of your children and not in selfishness; because what you are doing is to enable you to give the best service to them.
I want to hear your thoughts on this. Do you suffer from mom guilt? How do you deal with it?