DIVORCE AND OTHER “FAILURES” - HOW TO HEAL, DEAL AND MAKE YOUR FUTURE BETTER.
What happens when you have made a choice that seems like a “failure”? OR when life has made that choice for you?
I hold marriage sacred but I hold life more sacred. It is important that you take care of yourself.
When you do not take care of yourself, or you remain in a situation that causes you hurt, the children suffer the most even when they do not look like it. Even when they are doing great in school. Most times they have anxiety, depression, performance issues, lack of self worth which may manifest later in life. This is because maybe the father was absent, and the mother too was emotionally absent trying to make it work and so the kids suffer.
How to heal & deal when YOU have made the choice that feels like failure for example divorce.
Get clear on your WHY. Always remember your WHY.
People will make you question yourself, people will make you feel crazy. Certain times you may even be accused of being wicked or selfish for refusing to reconcile or setting a boundary.
The reason you’re refusing to reconcile is because you are clear that if you continue in that relationship, you are at risk. And so it is important to get clear on your why,
You don’t set boundaries to punish or prove a point. You set a boundary to keep everyone safe and accountable. When you set a boundary based on punishment, that’s not a deep enough why! When you do this, it can become a negative cycle. There is the begging ( apology), you feel you have punished enough, you go back, it happens again, you set “boundaries” again based on punishment - rinse and repeat! And you stay stuck in a toxic cycle till you are finally worn down or become toxic yourself.
Infidelity is damaging to both parties. Oftentimes the society looks at infidelity like it's only damaging to only the person being cheated on - NO! The Bible says he who commits adultery destroys his own soul! A life of deceit can destroy you and Rob you of your destiny. It takes a lot of energy out and this energy could be channelled into something that will elevate you.
When a good woman makes a decision to leave, it’s because it’s either damaging to her or her kids, or she has decided not to be complacent in the debasement of her partner.
Love does not have low expectations of you
Your why is not to punish anybody. It is to say I deserve better, you deserve better and I’m going to work on being better. You should do your work too.
Don’t take people's opinions personally
People see things as they ( the individual) are. The lens people are looking with is based on their own life.
They may ask, “Why did you wait so long? Why did you leave?” People have their opinions and it has nothing to do with you.
You will hear a lot of things, but remember you are wearing the shoe. You don’t have to do anything that doesn't work for you.
Refuse to accept blame or shame
A lot of times women get shamed for leaving or blamed for staying so long. Do not let yourself sit or dwell in a place of shame.
Blame is not accountability. While you don't let others blame or shame you, resist the urge to blame and shame yourself.
Hold yourself accountable - even if he did horrible things, take a good hard look at yourself. What did I contribute? What role did I play? How did I cocreate this reality? Look for opportunity for growth
If you don't take a hard long look at yourself and hold yourself accountable, and take ownership, very often you repeat the same mistake. You repeat the same experience because you haven’t dealt with it
Shame, is making you feel bad, shame is a low energy state. Shame is condemnation.
Shame is different from remorse. Shame says “I am bad” Remorse says “ What I did was bad”
Blame is reproach, to make you feel bad and ashamed.
Shame makes people not take ownership. When they deny, gaslight, it’s a deep seated thing of shame
You can reclaim yourself.
Some mothers prime their kids for abusive situations without even knowing it. When you are out of control with our emotions, you treat the kid poorly. The shouting, the hitting sometimes. Most women will not take ownership and say they were wrong, instead they buy them gifts. This behaviour primes them for abuse because it normalizes the abuse cycle of hurting and then gifting.
Be intentional about seeking out a supportive environment.
Stay away from people who gossip. Stay away from people who are judgemental.
Find people that will listen and hear you.
Get help if you need help. If you need a therapist please get one. It’s being intentional about your mental and emotional wellbeing
You may be in a difficult season and the people around you may be going through stuff too. They may not have the capacity to support you at that time. It doesn't mean that they don’t love you but at that time they are not able to be there for you the way you want them to be
Seek out spaces where you would get a lot of support. It could even be from people you barely know. It may be in the most unlikely place. Go where the love is.
Be authentic and transparent.
Transparency doesn’t mean you have to live your life on the front street. It doesn’t mean you have to over share or share everything even when you don’t want to. Share truthfully when it is necessary.
Authenticity is being yourself. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Asking for help when you need it. Being true and not faking.
Allow yourself grieve
You went into this marriage or job with certain expectations and so you have the right to grieve the loss of those expectations.
Sometimes people don’t let you grieve and other times we don’t let ourselves grieve. Do not let anyone, including yourself truncate your grief
Grief is not weakness. It is natural and human to grieve.
As you grieve, allow yourself to feel joy. Don’t feel guilty for feeling relieved. You don’t have to go around in mourning.
Forgive yourself and forgive others.
When you are thinking about the whole process or you are journalling, if something comes up that you could have done better, forgive yourself.
Forgiveness is very liberating
Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation or restoration. You can forgive and keep your distance
You can forgive someone and never speak to the person again. You can speak constantly with someone, be in touch with them and never forgive them. The latter keeps you stuck.
Anger is a stage of grief and so is denial.
When you are walking away and the other party appears angry, they may be grieving unconsciously. Or when the other person refuses to sign , they may be in denial. Which is still grief. Have mercy and compassion for their grief.
Divorce, Quitting your job, bankruptcy, closing your business - is not a destination and it is not a definition.
Refuse to be defined by situations. Be defined by your purpose and your gift
When you’re going through something major, it’s tempting to build your life around it, Don’t. Please remember that it is transient.
As much as you do not want situations to define you, do not be too quick to get a replacement. Take the time you need to process things
There is no nobility in suffering and smiling
What are the lessons you have learned?
What are the lessons you need to learn?
It is important to take time to do the work. When you do not, chances are that you will not grow from it.
Take time to learn about yourself. What can you do better? What do you need to let go of? So that you can attract the life that you want, going forward and not get into mediocrity.
Create a new vision
When difficult things happen to people, they tend to stop dreaming. While it’s painful, you need to understand that you were made for more. You have to start dreaming again.
Sometimes people cannot move forward because they are stuck in the old vision so it starts to feel like life robbed them. The real truth is that the old vision is the only vision they had. You have to pause and let go of that vision and allow yourself to dream a new dream.
If you don’t create a new vision. You can get stuck.
Don’t miss this masterclass - Becoming Queen: lessons from Esther in leading and loving in your feminine. It’s time to step up and fix your crown…become all that God created you to be. Learn more about this masterclass here and register before it’s sold out!
Watch the full video on Divorce and other failures on IGTV. Watch it here.
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